Still on the same tune, same feelings, I looked outside the window with earphones on my ears and road full of cars just before me, creating a familiar scenery. I didn't want to get arrived as soon as possible. I still wanted to listen to this kind of music, even though it always reminds me of the bitter truth of mine.
The traffic made me worried about being late, but I was thankful that at least I could still listen to the song in the 'repeat song' mode. It never got me boring. Some people said that it was essential, great-but-well-um-I-don't-really-into-it, or even too clichè to be on their playlists, but for me, it was a really really fantastic song I've ever heard in my entire life. I've never been so attached to a song like this before.
The lyrics. You have to read the lyrics if you ask me what makes me love that song like crazy.
*
It's been almost four years.
I noted that December 2011 was one of the sources of my happiness. Started on a Wednesday, my nights were never dull, my days were never uninteresting, and I loved school days as much as I loved books. If school wasn't about studying and homework, I would like to stay there longer, even until the sun goes down on the horizon, just to see him doing random activities which, unfortunately, God, he always looked attractive, no matter what kind of activities he was doing. And I fell for that very ordinary God's creature for his everything and his not-attractive-for-anyone-except-me looking.
There had been ups and downs, laughs and frowns, sad and happy moments when we were both wasting our time to text each other, mostly in the late hours, just before I drifted myself into a deep, dreamy sleep. And when the time finally came, all you had to do is nothing except trying as best as you can to look happy as an average person would be, when at that time, smile was the hardest thing to do.
I didn't want to answer those questions of 'what happened'. I didn't like to tell anyone about my personal things. I didn't like to share with anyone about what I'm feeling. So I just laid on my puffy pillow, stared at the ceiling, and enjoyed while my brain was replaying the memory of me, sitting by the window on the bus, on the back row, with that song again playing through the earphones along with the inaudible sound of raindrops falling, and the name of him on my screen texting a good night with a smiling emoji.
Happy birthday.
Were my second favourite words after the good night one that came up from him, three years in a row.
It was hard at first to keep my head up. People might see me as the happiest person alive, the one with the loudest laughter, and the one who hardly take something too serious while the truth is, deep deep inside, I'm not. I'm not okay. And I didn't want to make it obvious to everyone. Because who cared? There was a time where I had been tired of laughing so much at school with my mood-booster friends, and I was so happy until I was back at my room and threw away my school bag not paying attention to anything else because all I needed at that time was just a pillow I could cry on. It was enough, enough to keep it with myself like this because I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.
Some people don't understand how much they mean to others. Some people don't realise how much it could make someone who cares about them happy just seeing them smile. They're spending most of their time finding for a perfect mate. At the same time, God, He knows, there's a girl, a girl whom you always come over to, patiently waiting, here, on the same place, with no idea why you always come over with easy sweet sayings and leave without any excuse, and then come back as if there's nothing happened.
And it made my chest ache when I came into the realization of how, in just a blink of an eye, everything became so different. Everything changed. Between those hopes and wishes, I had ever put up, the number one in my prayers was: I wish I could start it all over again.
*
With my heart which was still being scattered into pieces, the fear of having the same ending grew bigger and bigger as I looked at him secretly, scanning from head to toe and thought, "God, why he's so attractive." The thing that made me thought so was because he was that good-looking, but didn't seem to try to be a f*cking French model like those (lucky) good-looking guys usually do.
Have you ever felt it when you didn't want to fall in love because your past was still haunting you with sadness and fear? You vowed to yourself that you wouldn't fall in love again, and you've locked yourself out from the boys who wanted to know you, and suddenly, without warning, a guy came up to your life with the invisible sparks around him that attracted your eyes? And he wasn't the most attractive guy you've ever met. So it was just like a right dress you see on a display window, and it's not the prettiest dress you've ever found, but you want it very bad as if it has a special thing more than the other dresses.
I know, so strange.
Love is strange.
As strange as the mood that suddenly pumped up on my way home. Different song played. A different guy in mind. And different fear grew.
I'm not ready enough to have another Maserati crash against brick walls. I'm not up for the upcoming breakdowns that might knock me out from the trust once I made for the word love. And worst of all, I don't want to experience the same thing, twice.
And that's why I kept staying in my safe zone for the last four years, loving the same person, even though I knew that we could never make it up again. Still, the pain was more likely to be enjoyed rather than starting a new one with a different person which I don't know yet how is it going to end: worse or better.
I was scared when he smiled.
Scared when he laughed.
Scared when I was next to him.
Scared while watching him sleep.
Scared because I've haven't felt as happy like this in the last two years.
I'm terrified to feel happy because it never lasts.
So I found myself thinking, at least he fixed me because for the first time in my life I could push that past away from me, and the thought of I wouldn't be over it, he made me wrong.
I'm over it.
Believe me, one day you'll get tired of all of it and your brain will just tell you that you've had enough. There will be no tears, no pain, no second thoughts, and it'll be easy for you to walk away. Because the truth is, you have been slowly walking away, a step at a time, every time he breaks your heart. And when the time comes it'll be easy, it'll be because the door is already right behind you, all you'll have to do is turn, open it and leave. — Isabella Alvares
And I've found someone who lit up my happiness.
But I'm a lousy promiser. I made a promise to myself not to fall in love with anyone again, and I broke it.
I fell in love with him. And again, on a Wednesday.
